fancies

i had some demerol this morning and in between drooling, i was thinking: if i could have any superpower in the world, what would it be? well, i know a lot of people wish they could fly but isn't that what hovercrafts and weed are for? and x-ray vision? this is new york city, i see more skin on a saturday night than maual uribe has covering his fat (square footage wise, at least) and if it's girls you're looking for just send me a quick message and i'll shoot you the link to my friend allie's webcam. message her and ask for "the labia tutorial", i casually asked her if the clitoris was bigger or smaller than an oreo one lonely sunday and the next thing i knew she was ringin' her taco bell for me in glorified 2-D. on a completely unrelated note, should i mark this blog as containing adult content?

what was i talking about? oh, superpowers. so if i could have a superpower i'm pretty sure it would be the ability to command all of the rats in new york city. i want this power for several reasons. first and foremost, for my own protection. i would mobilize them frequently, any time i am provoked. i would use them to shutdown all of the restaurants in new york city that don't serve shirley temples/kitty cocktails (edit: it has been brought to my attention by my jewish editor michael, that these are indeed called kiddie cocktails in some regions of the country that aren't my brain). lastly, i would use them for street cred, so that i could be known as "rat commander" or "king of the underworld rat lairs", something like that.

ugh, my dad is visiting this weekend and he keeps telling me to stop picking my nose and "eating my hands" which translates to "stop biting your nails". but he did let me spent 500 dollars at bed, bath and beyond; i bought a nosehair trimmer and big pot. and some other stuff. the best part was when he asked a store associate if they, "carried anything fancier than a george foreman. i need fancies." oh, and when he asked me if i've ever used alli to lose weight.*

Town reaches settlement in 'dirty dancing' case**


*Strangers reading this post should duly note i am 6'1" weighing in at a svelt 164 lbs
**Rebecca Willis is my alias when I travel.